Family::Disconnect::Connect

A few years ago Wade’s sister had a benefit concert for her trip to Europe. She asked Wade to perform a few songs and Wade excitedly got to work on two group songs and two solos. The following weekend we packed up the car and drove to Western Kansas for the performance. Wade practiced the songs with his siblings on Friday and Saturday while I visited with the extended family that was in town for the benefit show, spent time with his best friend from high school, finished reading 2 books, knitted a scarf and watched the gang practice. On Sunday we got to the theater early to set up. People started to arrive about an hour before the show. Wade’s Dad, his Dad’s wife, cousins, aunts, grandmother…all trickled in about an hour before the show. I went to greet everyone at the door as they arrived and then headed to the front of the theatre where his Dad and his Dad’s wife were sitting. I moved toward the middle of the row so that there would be plenty of room for the rest of the family. No one sat by me. I sat in the middle of the 4th row alone. Family filled in the rows in front and behind me, to my left and to my right but there was a radius of at least 3 empty seats all around me. In typical small town form everyone was whispering about the new girl. I could feel all the eyes beating down on me. I only looked behind me once and decided that I wouldn’t do it again. After the show I ran up to Wade and did not let go of his hand for 2 hours.

This story pretty much describes my entire experience with his family. Sometimes I wonder what they don’t like about me. I think I am a pretty decent person. I smile, I listen, I ask questions, I share my experience, I’m sincere, I’m open, I’m non-judgmental and I honestly want to be a part of their lives and to get to know them. I am by no means perfect but I think I am pretty easy to get along with. And I love their son/brother/nephew/cousin/friend with my whole heart and spend every day trying to make our life together as true to us, and make him as happy, as I can. That should count for something.

Wade says it is an issue of expectations. Wade says he doesn’t have any expectations for his family. He says that he learned that it was easier on him and everyone else for him to just take them at face value and in turn he doesn’t pay attention to their expectations of him. That is such an interesting notion to me…no expectations. My expectations have gotten me in trouble on numerous occasions. I have been let down by people because of my expectations more times than I could count. But to not have any expectations, to just turn them off…can people actually do that?

Wade says he doesn’t care what anyone thinks of me or him or our relationship. And I believe him. But I remember what it was like for him when I told him that I sat alone the night of the benefit show. I know that he cared that night.

On Friday I watched Meet Joe Black. For some reason it sat with me all afternoon; the connection between the family that we are born into and the family that we create as adults. How unique and beautiful and dynamic and difficult and wonderful they both are. I am part of my parents; I have my Dad’s nose and my Mom’s hands. They shaped who I was and who I am today. Now I am married to this person who is helping to shape who I will be and together we have made this amazing person who sings and laughs and yells and runs and has my eyes and Wade’s nose. I cried easily for the rest of the afternoon. Henry woke from his nap and started dancing in the living room. He grabbed my hand and said “Dance Mama” and so we danced and ran in circles and I cried. Our connection to each other is so beautiful and so delicate and so important. In fact, I am willing to say that in the end, it is all that really matters.