Friday, August 31, 2007

Tonight it feels green

Did a search for green on flickr and found most of these. The one of the kid is mine (of course).

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Things that make me happy Thursdays

A friend just emailed me to tell me that my last 3 posts have been grumpy. She wasn't complaining, she actually said she likes my gripe posts (eh....I don't know about all that) but I don't want for my blog to be a pile of complaints. So, I thought I would post a few things that make me happy to make up for it. Things that make me happy Thursdays ....oh, this might stick, you know how I love alliterations!

"I paint self portraits because I am the person I know best." - Frida Kahlo {I love her!}


Guinea pigs. Who doesn't love that face?


Baby bumps, nursing Mamas, tiny heads and fat rolls. Can I have another PLEASE?


The most beautiful person I have ever known.


Other Mamas and their babies and cows in the pasture.

New Rule

The next time that someone asks me where Henry got his blond hair from I am going to ask them where they got their halitosis from. {okay.....not really, but a girl can dream}

We spent Saturday afternoon with my Mom's side of the extended family. Henry got quite a bit of attention which surprised me a little since he isn't a baby anymore, I figured people would be over it once he started walking and talking. He didn't take well to all the stares, funny faces and people squatting down to his level talking in baby talk with their arms outstretched. He would only make it a few steps before he would stop, look around, yell for Papa and start crying.

My "favorite" moment of the day *note sarcasm* was when my Aunt P asked me the classic questions "Where did he get that blond hair from?" My Aunt P is my mothers sister. My Aunt P is blond. My Aunt P's daughter is also blond, as is her son (so Aunt P's grandson). I thought of commenting on this and on our (meaning Aunt P's and Laura's) relatedness and giving a remedial lecture on DNA, sperm, eggs and what happens when it all comes together....but my canned response is what came out of my mouth..."Wade has blond hair in his family." It is what I always say because I know what they are actually asking. They want to know how a baby with a brown papa could have blond hair. They do not considered that half of what Wade carries in his genes is from his Papa. They also do not consider, or maybe they do not remember, that my blond hair when I was Henry's age or my older sister had blond hair that stuck around until she was in grade school. And they don't consider the connotations that come with that comment, no matter how innocent the intention.

By the end of the day I was over it. I had heard it so many times. When I heard someone ask "Where did he get that blond hair from?" I just shrugged my shoulders and walked away. One person picked up on my annoyance and said "You get that a lot huh?" "Yeah," I said. "Where did he get that blond hair from? Look at his blue eyes. Where did he get the curly hair from? Wow he is so light skinned. All of it...over and over again. And truth be told I am sick of feeling the need to defend how my child looks. He is Henry. He is a mix of his Mama and Papa and if you cannot look beyond his hair and skin to see the parts of his appearance that he shares with his Papa then I don't really care. I just ask that you keep it to yourself."

Here is an interesting observation- The side of our family that is brown skinned and dark haired have never once made a comment about Henry's hair or skin color. What does that mean I wonder?


The past few weeks work has really sucked. It isn’t actually my job that sucks, it is many of my coworkers. I feel taken advantage of and I feel judged. It isn’t just at work, I am getting a little bit of that from a few of my friends outside of work as well. Everyone wants me to be available at all times to listen, give advice or be supportive, which isn’t bad at all, in fact I love being “that person” for people. But it is not reciprocated and boundaries that I put up are not respected, time and time again. At work I am too nice about it. People push the limits or say things that I take offense to or that make me wonder “is she making fun of me?” but yet I continue to put myself in that situation. It stops here. What I have realized over the past few weeks is that I am not able to be one thing to one coworker and then something else entirely to another. Everyone has the same expectations of me. If I go out to lunch with one coworker I get slack for not going out to lunch with another the next day. “But you went out with her” they tell me. It is not that I am “popular” in my office, in fact if anything I feel like an odd ball nearly every day. Honestly, I am not sure what it is that makes it so people treat me this way. Regardless, I am shutting down. I am sick of coming home at night and feeling emotionally drained. This is my JOB! I work at a desk in a cubical (of sorts) and there is no reason that I have to put emotion into it. My time and effort goes into my coworkers and I walk away feeling empty. One of my coworkers once told me that she never takes anything that happens at work home with her. She said that she just has the personality type to just let things roll off easily. I do not have that personality type. I joke with people that I forget things easily, which is true although the business of people’s emotions is not generally something that I slough off easily. I say that, I think, to help people feel comfortable. I like it that people are comfortable around me, I don’t like it that people cannot seem to respect my boundaries and that people, for some reason, feel that is it okay to do a running commentary on my life and my choices.

Monday, August 27, 2007

On Earth

On Sunday Wade, Henry and I drove behind a car with a huge confederate flag on its bumper. I got the chills. I said “Baby let’s pass them, it is making me feel very nervous.” The guy driving wore a hat with a confederate flag on it, his hair hung out from his hat in chunks, his windows were down and his face was shiny from sweat. He stared at us the whole time we drove past to him. His eyes were blank but they told us his feelings. All the people in his car stared. The woman in the passenger seat was also very shiny, her hair was unbrushed and she was missing several teeth. Her skin was sun damaged but I thought that she might have once been pretty. Now she just looked tired and sad. Her shirt was covered in holes. I think they might have been arguing but they put aside their differences to stare and talk about us. They looked so unhappy. I wondered what they could possibly be thinking. Here we were, driving along, laughing and singing with Henry and there they are miserable, hot, angry, fighting, dirty, and yet somehow we are the ones worth staring at. The saddest part was the three kids in the backseat. Three children living in that environment. The hate in that house. The thought that someday children like that could be in a school with my son and that my son could hear that filth from them and that it will be about his Papa and what it will do to him…I had to stop thinking about it because it was breaking my heart. I can only hope that they are able to make up their own minds and find the truth in our humanity. That skin color tells you as much about a person as hair color or eye color; it does not say anything about the quality of a person. I grew up in a house where race was not a topic of conversation. It NEVER came up. My friends were of all races and I didn’t think about it for one second. Doria could draw the best record players and my teacher called her “The Record Lady” and she would dance while she erased the chalkboard which made everyone in the classroom fall over in laughter. Heidi’s Mom made the most amazing tamales and she had so many brothers and sisters that we could play kick ball in her backyard. Amber had special dance she did with her brothers and sisters and she wore beautiful feathers on her head and I sat in my seat wishing I knew how to make that music; that music that sent goose bumps all over my body and made me feel like crying and laughing at the same time. The beauty in diversity is one of the most glaringly obvious things to me and I am often baffled that anyone could see it otherwise. It’s like looking at the ocean or a sunset and somehow finding ugliness in it. It is like a foreign language that I can listen to over and over again but never understand. And the forwardness of it all….that someone would put something on their body, their clothes or their car, something so full of hate for a person that you do not even know, it blows my mind EVERY SINGLE TIME. I wonder if maybe that is why I am in this situation, like I have something to learn from it or like it is a test of the strength of my convictions. Most of the time I just wish that there was no test, that my family could just be and that people could just see us for who we are and who we are trying to be. That is the true measure of a person, not skin color or the job that they do but the way that they treat other people and the way that they spend their time here on Earth.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Monday Mosaic

Things are pretty tight at work right now, so Monday Mosaic's are going to have to move to Sundays, but Sunday Mosaic does sound as good, so I'm sickin with Monday Mosaic. (this woman takes the most amazing photos of her children. The little one in front of the red wall is one of her photos. Love those blond curls....what? I'm not biased!

Self-portrait #'s 5 & 6

I am so lucky to be part of this crew.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

happy bappy

My family threw a late birthday party for me tonight. I didn't think anything could pull me out of the funk I had by the end of the day today, but they did. My Dad grilled veggie burgers for me on the grill, my Mom made delicious salads and they bought a red velvet cake for me and sang happy birthday. I got such thoughtful and exciting gifts-this, this and this, for starters.....

I love my family so much. I am so lucky.

Also, when I came home from work I told Henry that we were going to Gigi's to celebrate Mama's birthday and Henry hopped up, ran over to the cabinet and put on a birthday cone-hat from his first birthday and yelled "HAPPY BAPPY MAMA!". He said that all evening. Happy bappy mama....seriously, could he be any cuter?

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Sunday, August 19, 2007


I found a way to combine two of my favorite things-cupcakes and knitting.....

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

The ramblings of a mad woman

I told my husband that I was feeling depressed. He suggested that I write about it but the problem is that it is so many things and nothing specific all at once. And who wants to read the ramblings of a depressed person? You do? Well....if you say so.

School- Classes start tomorrow and I am sick of it already. I wish I had never gone back to school. I wish I had just gone and done something else instead of getting it into my head that I needed to finish. Now I am too far invested. I have 15 hours left. If I could just get them over with instead of dragging it out into this painful, exhausting and expensive ordeal that it has become. I feel like it is a little to late for all of that now though. I just need to finish what I started, what has cost me thousands of dollars, what has taken up hours and hours of my time, what has caused anxiety attacks and months of frustrations, what has forced me to hear the ever so funny joke "What are you going to be? A doctor" at least 4 dozen times. I will just suck it up like I always do.
Work-What is going on with my job, seriously? Everyone knows something and no one wants to talk about it. I am learning that many of the people around me are manipulative, not trustworthy and just overall not the people I thought they were. My stomach is in knots about the whole thing.
Henry-Where is my good sleeper? He's up at 1, he's up at 5, he's yelling MAMA at the top of his lungs. He wants to rock-a-bye to sleep (he calls it walk-by, which is super cute but frustrating when I sit down in that rocker and have a squirmy little boy wiggle all around and headbutt me several times while falling asleep and then after 45 minutes I try to lay him down and he starts crying again).
Our house-Let me just say that I love our house and I am glad that we bought it. If I had to do it over again I would buy it over again. But shit, it is always something. The dryer isn't working, why is the floor slanting here, where is the guy to replace our siding, what is that strange smell, where am I going to put my desk, who are these crazy neighbors that are looking at my yard disapprovingly while mowing their lawn in 107 degree heat---I say screw that-call the city on me, I am not going to have a heat stroke to keep up with your stupid ass.
Time-I have no time. Not one second. Right now, this time I am spending right here typing this, yeah this is actually borrowed time. I borrowed this time from the "I should be sleeping" time and I am going to regret this choice tomorrow morning like I always do when I have to peel myself out of the bed, drive to work in a daze, try to be a nice person for 8 hours, come home and do all the home stuff and then fall out on the floor at 9 pm and wonder how the hell I am going to study, get into shape, be a good mom and a good friend and a good wife and a happy person... If I could just find one hour for myself I would exercise. I want to exercise. I miss exercising. I walked every day of my pregnancy and now I hardly ever move. That is not how human beings are supposed to live. I am growing larger by the second.... And school is starting and work is crazy and I can't be late and I can't leave early and I can't squeeze in just an hour to do something other than working, cooking dinner, cleaning the house, doing schoolwork, and sleeping. There isn't one second left.
Fridays-I used to love Friday's, now I hate them. They are crazy chaotic awfulness. Up at 5:30, at work by 6:30 leave work at 11:30, Wade goes to work at noon, put Henry down for his nap and wait for Wade to get home at 5:00, cook, feed, bath, read to, walk-by with, listen to him scream, go back to work at 8:30 come home at 11:00, sleep for an hour, listen to him scream, walk-by for another 45 minutes, get a bloody lip from an unintentional headbutt, go back to bed, wake up at 5, another headbutt, sleep for another hour and then get's Saturday and time to play.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Monday Mosaic


I cleaned out our fridge this afternoon and after I finished I had this overwhelming urge to take photos of it. I am really not sure why but here they are.

Not food ;)

The flowers that Wade gave me on my birthday are still going strong. I wanted to take a couple of pictures of them with an actual camera (instead of just my camera phone) although our camera is not really anything to write home about. Anyway, they still smell fantastic. I have had them at work this past week and they made my whole office smell like a garden. The women were really going crazy, I swear I had the same conversation with every woman in the office pretty much every day and I have come to the conclusion that the ladies are not getting enough flowers fellas.... My husband scored major brownie points with my coworkers for picking them himself, although he doesn't like most of my coworkers so he didn't really seem to care much when I told him that.

I know this isn't a food blog...

The last few posts have been mostly about food and for that I apologize. If you guys wanted to look at food you would probably go to Martha Stewart Living because the photos of food on her website would make anyone want to lick the screen and I am just a girl with a stomach and a crappy digital camera. But, I am just glowing in my cooking success right now. There have been some failures, just remember the red velvet cupcakes or ask Wade about the night I made Bulgar (I think we figured that each of us ate 55 grams of fiber at that meal....ugh, it was intense). But trying a new way of cooking and eating is pretty intimidating and right now I am brimming with excitement over my lunch adventure and I have to share it with someone (Wade and Henry are down for their afternoon naps). For lunch I made bok choy and quinoa for the first time ever and grilled a little tofu and it turned out absolutely fabulous. The whole lunch had less than 300 calories, tasted amazing and cost about $2.00 to fix. (Sorry, did I mention that I am in the middle of a diet bet with my sisters- $50 bucks to get in, the person with the most weight lost by Thanksgiving takes all) (and also did I mention that I am pinching pennies right now? Some crazy stuff going on at my work so I am saving as much as I can right now for the day that I get my walking papers.) Anyway, here is my lunch....And if you have never had almond milk, good lord try it.....with a little Cinnamon on top it will kill any sweet craving with about 50 calories. Henry calls it "all-me-melk".

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Sweet Jesus

You will never have a campfire smore again. I will post the recipe as soon as I lick all the chocolate off of my fingers.

**Edited- Here is the recipe. This is the non-veganized version because I figured that most of you wouldn't be interested in the vegan version, if you are let me know and I will add the vegan instructions. Enjoy.

S’More Cookie Bars

1/2 cup butter, room temperature
1/4 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup sugar
1 large egg
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 1/3 cups all purpose flour
3/4 cup graham cracker crumbs (about 7 full size graham cracker sheets wizzed in the food processor)
1 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
2 king-sized milk chocolate bars
1 1/2 cups marshmallow creme/fluff (not melted marshmallows)

Preheat oven to 350°F. Grease an 8-inch square baking pan. In a large bowl, cream together butter and sugar until light. Beat in egg and vanilla. In a small bowl, whisk together flour, graham cracker crumbs, baking powder and salt. Add to butter mixture and mix at a low speed until combined. Divide dough in half and press half of dough into an even layer on the bottom of the prepared pan. Place chocolate bars over dough. 2 king-sized bars should fit perfectly side by side, but break the chocolate (if necessary) to get it to fit in a single layer no more than 1/4 inch thick. Spread marshmallow creme or fluff over chocolate. Place remaining dough in a single layer on top of the fluff (most easily achieved by flattening the dough into small shingles and laying them together).Bake for 30 to 35 minutes, until lightly browned.Cool completely before cutting into bars

Makes 16 cookie bars.

Random and what not

So I am really digging this whole vegan thing. I feel great, have more energy, and have no guilt about what I am eating. Tonight we had sweet and spicy tofu, broccoli and brown rice and for dessert I had vanilla flavored almond milk. Unfortunately, I have not been good 100% of the time. Two reasons- 1) Laziness/inability to get to the grocery store 2) A bit of fear about the response I will get from my mother (especially when I tell her that I am likely to take Henry over to the vegan side also). I just don't even want to have that discussion.

On to my current other obsession, cupcakes....Okay, so just yesterday I was talking to Wade about getting a cupcake tattoo. It's nerdy, sure, but tattoos are fun and I love cupcakes so it seems fitting. Tonight I was searching for more vegan cupcake recipes and found this. Not only was I surprised to find someone with a cupcake tattoo (although I don't know about putting it on my hand) but I also LOVE the veggies on her fingers. Seriously, I am thinking of an all food half sleeve ;)
I dig this one, minus the stars, cherry and pink icing (I would probably do orange, big surprise).

Thursday, August 9, 2007


Coconut Lime cupcakes. So yummy I would eat them out of a shoe.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Birthday love

I got so many lovely birthday wishes yesterday. More e-cards than I ever imagined, a homemade card from Lisa that was so thoughtful, a gift from Ms. Supafly which was super cute, a huge flower arrangement from my husband (of flowers that he picked at a local farm (with permission )), a shopping trip with my Mom and a wallet and some earrings from my sister….really it was wonderful. I also got some great advice, including –quit your bitching- from my older sister :) Thank you all so much for your time and your efforts. What a wonderfully thoughtful group of people I have in my life, I am a lucky lucky gal.

I took this with my camera phone, sorry about the quality of the photo.

Homemade card from Miss Lisa.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007


I was tagged by the lovely Ms. Supafly to produce 8 random facts about myself. I had to really dig deep for these guys because I was tagged earlier for a similar meme. But my love of list making took over and this is what I came up with. Feel free to play along if the mood strikes you, it's good clean fun.

1) I own 26 cookbooks and I continue to purchase more, although I rarely make any recipes out of them. One of my favorite things to do while Henry takes his nap is curl up with a cookbook and small post-it notes and flip through it marking the recipes I would like to fix…while watching food network. What?

2) We let our son run around the house naked, oh, about 90% of the time and it has backfired on us many many times. I wouldn’t recommend eating off of our floors.

3) We were certain that Henry was going to be a girl. The night we spent at the hospital while I was in labor we were able to convince the hospital staff of this fact as well. When he was born the doctor held him up and our delivery nurse yelled “It’s a penis!” Poor kid. Maybe this explains his current obsession with his “peen”.

4) I had a huge crush on my hubby for over a year before we started dating. At one point I reverted back to my Jr. High days and asked our mutual friend to ask him if he liked me. He told our friend “Not gonna happen.” Ha! He had no idea how stubborn I am.

5) I wrecked my car on my way to a psychology test my freshman year in college. My #2 pencil slid off my lap and down behind the seat so I turned for just a second to pick it up, popped the curb and slammed into a tree. It was the same tree that my older sister had hit a couple of years earlier.

6) I got kicked off of the volleyball team in 9th grade for being too enthusiastic, cheering too much and getting too into the game. I cried for weeks.

7) I have endured some monumentally embarrassing moments including jogging into a tree while being playful with a group of boys driving past, falling in a public restroom and standing up only to realize that my entire ponytail went into the toilet and was gushing toilet water all over my back, and falling asleep in a lecture class and waking up to the sound of snoring over the speakers and my professor pointing the microphone at my open/drooling mouth.

8) I decided I wanted to be a vegetarian in high school and so for dinner every night I would make myself chicken ramen noodles and add carrots and celery. Chicken Ramen = Vegetarian? Hmmm?

Monday, August 6, 2007

Birthday cupcakes

This was my second attempt at vegan cupcakes, it turned out a little weird, kind of jello-ish...but the favor was yum and nothing is more fun than squirting in those two bottles of red food coloring. And since it is vegan you can eat all the batter you want, and I did :)

Three O

“So, tomorrow’s the big day.” My hubby said to me at lunch this afternoon.
“Yup,” I said, “Three O.”

My panic over my impending birthday has subsided a little (partly because I am getting over it and partly because panic about other things in my life has kind of taken over). My hubby and I have talked a lot about my feelings towards this day and he has had some good ideas on how to readjust my thinking to help untie the knot my stomach. I think his best suggestion was to think of it like a fresh start, like New Years Eve. He knows that I love New Years Day. I love the freshness of it, that it is a clean slate and that there is a promise of something better in the air. People outlining plans to improve their lives, talking about all the things they are going to do differently this year. I get a charge out of it. I love making my New Years resolutions. Two years ago my resolution was to floss every night and it was the first time that I have ever kept a New Years resolution. Last year I read that it takes 6 weeks to form a new habit and so I had a new resolution for every six weeks. None of those stuck but making the list was really fun. So, the big three O, it is my biggest New Years Day yet and I am going to think of it like that to keep myself from going absolutely nuts. I am not going to wallow in my failures, disappointments, lost relationships, and indecisive stalling of my twenties but rather leave that behind and relish in a new decade full of potential and promise. When I turned twenty I put very little thought into the person I was becoming and the journey that I am on, my thoughts were mainly on the shortened distance between me and 21. As a 30 year old woman I can acknowledge the passing of time and my responsibility for making my time here what I want for it to be.

I told Wade today at lunch that my 20’s sort of pulled me along….I intend to grab my thirties by the shoulders, shove it off of the path it is currently on and start clearing my own path.

And it is with that nervous optimism that I post this, my hopes for this year-

30 Things to do in my 30th year

1. Learn how to screen print
2. Swim with Henry in the ocean
3. Tile the kitchen
4. Make a collage each week
5. Fly a kite with Henry
6. Make one new recipe from my veggie cookbooks each month
7. Start a journal
8. Make weekly grocery lists and trips
9. Plant a vegetable garden
10. Read 10 books (textbooks don't count)
11. Practice playing the guitar
12. Make new house numbers
13. Do a painting with Wade for outside our back door
14. Put my dirty clothes in the hamper
15. Improve my CD collection
16. Make weekly deposits into Henry's college fund
17. Plant a lilac bush by our kitchen window
18. Take Henry for morning walks
19. Collect items that remind me of one of my sister for one month and send them to her, do this for each of my sisters.
20. Spend a night with Wade at the Circle S (where we got married)
21. Eat all my daily servings of fruits and veggies (I think that is up to 3 and 4 now)
22. Perfect my red velvet, chocolate and coconut cupcake recipes
23. Catch fireflies with Henry
24. Complete 4 projects from this book
25. Paint my kitchen cabinets
26. Make a Christmas gift for each family member (I should probably start now)
27. Let my hubby win a couple of arguments
28. Take Henry to meet his Great Great Grandmother and, if I can swing it, coordinate our visit with Wade's Mom and Nana so I can take a photo of 5 generations.
29. Come up with a new tradition for our family for every major holiday
30. Relearn how to ride my bike with no hands

Friday, August 3, 2007

Always poignant, for me this moment more than ever

"hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. hatred darkens life; love illuminates it."

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Self-portrait #4

My leg is a ladder, to get a better view. My shoulder is a wall, to lean on. My fingers are a stopper, to keep him from sliding off. I am a mom.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007


Okay, so my last post was kind of a downer so I decided that throughout the day I would jot down some of the things that make me happy to make up for it. And cuz I love lists.

Going to the farmers market really early on Saturday morning
A really good song on repeat (Lily Allen today)
Making someone a treat and then listening to them tell you how good it was
Swimming under water
Long hugs
Planning a vacation
Henry's dirty feet
Fresh peaches
Afternoon phone calls from my hubby
Seeing Henry at the end of the day
Artichokes for desert
Driving to the airport to pick up my sisters
The first few seconds at a concert when the houselights go down and the music starts
The smell of sunscreen
Being barefoot
Avocados from the Merc
Drinking coffee all day long
TAL, Wait Wait don' tell me and all my other Monday morning postcasts
This feels good. I might make this a weekly activity. You should try it.

a little long-winded, definitely whiney and probably not even really worth reading

Wow, I’m almost 30. I had hoped that I would deal with this milestone birthday with a sort of calm, it’s just a number and I’m totally happy with how my life is going kind of attitude but I feel my panic growing with every day that passes.

Time is flying by.
I am not doing any of the things that I thought I would be doing as a 30 year old woman.
I am not the person that I thought I would be at this age.
My parents are getting older.
Will I have any more kids?
Am I being the best Mom that I can be?
I should have lost 40 lbs in my 20’s, my metabolism is slowing.
How am I treating the people I love?
This is my one shot at life, am I blowing it?
Shouldn’t I be less neurotic by this age?
How do I slow time down?
I have to find a way to start spending my time doing the things I love.
I feel disappointed with myself.