The ramblings of a mad woman

I told my husband that I was feeling depressed. He suggested that I write about it but the problem is that it is so many things and nothing specific all at once. And who wants to read the ramblings of a depressed person? You do? Well....if you say so.

School- Classes start tomorrow and I am sick of it already. I wish I had never gone back to school. I wish I had just gone and done something else instead of getting it into my head that I needed to finish. Now I am too far invested. I have 15 hours left. If I could just get them over with instead of dragging it out into this painful, exhausting and expensive ordeal that it has become. I feel like it is a little to late for all of that now though. I just need to finish what I started, what has cost me thousands of dollars, what has taken up hours and hours of my time, what has caused anxiety attacks and months of frustrations, what has forced me to hear the ever so funny joke "What are you going to be? A doctor" at least 4 dozen times. I will just suck it up like I always do.
Work-What is going on with my job, seriously? Everyone knows something and no one wants to talk about it. I am learning that many of the people around me are manipulative, not trustworthy and just overall not the people I thought they were. My stomach is in knots about the whole thing.
Henry-Where is my good sleeper? He's up at 1, he's up at 5, he's yelling MAMA at the top of his lungs. He wants to rock-a-bye to sleep (he calls it walk-by, which is super cute but frustrating when I sit down in that rocker and have a squirmy little boy wiggle all around and headbutt me several times while falling asleep and then after 45 minutes I try to lay him down and he starts crying again).
Our house-Let me just say that I love our house and I am glad that we bought it. If I had to do it over again I would buy it over again. But shit, it is always something. The dryer isn't working, why is the floor slanting here, where is the guy to replace our siding, what is that strange smell, where am I going to put my desk, who are these crazy neighbors that are looking at my yard disapprovingly while mowing their lawn in 107 degree heat---I say screw that-call the city on me, I am not going to have a heat stroke to keep up with your stupid ass.
Time-I have no time. Not one second. Right now, this time I am spending right here typing this, yeah this is actually borrowed time. I borrowed this time from the "I should be sleeping" time and I am going to regret this choice tomorrow morning like I always do when I have to peel myself out of the bed, drive to work in a daze, try to be a nice person for 8 hours, come home and do all the home stuff and then fall out on the floor at 9 pm and wonder how the hell I am going to study, get into shape, be a good mom and a good friend and a good wife and a happy person... If I could just find one hour for myself I would exercise. I want to exercise. I miss exercising. I walked every day of my pregnancy and now I hardly ever move. That is not how human beings are supposed to live. I am growing larger by the second.... And school is starting and work is crazy and I can't be late and I can't leave early and I can't squeeze in just an hour to do something other than working, cooking dinner, cleaning the house, doing schoolwork, and sleeping. There isn't one second left.
Fridays-I used to love Friday's, now I hate them. They are crazy chaotic awfulness. Up at 5:30, at work by 6:30 leave work at 11:30, Wade goes to work at noon, put Henry down for his nap and wait for Wade to get home at 5:00, cook, feed, bath, read to, walk-by with, listen to him scream, go back to work at 8:30 come home at 11:00, sleep for an hour, listen to him scream, walk-by for another 45 minutes, get a bloody lip from an unintentional headbutt, go back to bed, wake up at 5, another headbutt, sleep for another hour and then get up....it's Saturday and time to play.